The first time I met Elaine*, my inner Communication Studies major got to work furiously analyzing, trying to grasp onto any nonverbal sign of what she thought of me. Elaine was older than I, a couple of stages ahead in life. I had been longing for an older mentor figure, and when I found out how many things we shared in common, my hopeful spark grew.
But there was one problem. She never smiled at me.
I am the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve. For a long time, I've been both proud (of my authenticity) and embarrassed (that I might be considered rude) that my face gave away my thoughts and feelings. For most of my life, I have been a very expressive person. And I have assumed that others are the same way—that their faces reveal what they may not be saying.
So, with Elaine, her consistently somber facial expression had me baffled.
Does she think I'm immature? Does she think I shouldn't be breastfeeding my child in a group setting? Is she not interested in chatting with me? Am I boring her?
One of my ongoing struggles is that I care way too much what people think of me, and I was wrestling with feeling drawn to her but also not knowing what she thought of me. So, I played it safe. I kept up polite communication for a couple of weeks as we interacted in church settings.
And one day, she surprised me. Her mouth never changed, but she said something that made me pause, and then laugh. (I wish I could remember what it was.) Her deadpan delivery made the joke all the funnier. I realized that her thoughts and potential for humor did not match what I thought I saw on her face.
One day, she asked to hold my baby. Again, her face didn't show much expression, but her tone of voice softened, and my son knew she was someone he could trust. He snuggled up to her, and I was once again pleasantly surprised. He saw something that I didn't see.
Another time, I planned to ask her if I could purchase a copy of a book she had written, only to find that she had brought a copy to gift me that very day.
We were much more on the same wavelength than I had realized.
Later, as we continued to get to know one another, she informed me that she had a chronic illness that affected the muscles in her face, particularly around her mouth, so that it felt funny to form some sounds and words. The lightbulb turned on for me then. That was part of why her face did not reveal her thoughts and feelings.
I still need to remind myself not to make assumptions based on someone's nonverbal body language. Though posture and facial expression and tone can be supplemental in sharing a person's thoughts and feelings, they can also be misleading if you don't see the bigger picture.
So, if you see someone and you think they are judging you or a mean person—check yourself. They might be dealing with a physical condition, their mind might be preoccupied, or maybe they just have a really bad case of RBF.
As the old adage goes, "You can't judge a book by its cover."
*Name has been changed.
Thanks to Callie Morgan on Unsplash for the photo incorporated into this post's graphic.
Wonderfully written. Great food for thought.